Shudder over my repugnance.

Really, I tend to shudder at the memory of my past. 

The first part of this year was filled with obsessing about a stupid crush. And from then, I grew up a hell lot more and I'm able to think more clearly.

I always tend to shudder at every thought that contains him in it. Yes, you know who you are. In fact, a lot of people knows who I'm talking about and therefore, I'm too lazy to tell.

I was reading my old posts, during those months when I was stupid and naive for being too obsessed about an ordinary boy. Really, I was reading it and it felt as if I was reading some 12 year-old girl's blog about some eye contact she made with her crush in school; only with better grammar. 

On the other hand though, I love my EMO posts. They somehow seemed mature, regardless of my situation then. They were filled with loads of emotions that seemed a lot to comprehend now that I'm in my rational and sane state of mind. Really, I think having a crush is just another scheme or tactic to have you blinded over more important stuff. Especially when you're as lame as me; crushing over some stupid boy and regretting about it moths after that.

Heck, he seems so worthless now. Too worthless in fact to have inflict my thoughts to shudder.

If there were one thing that he helped, he kinda helped me improved my english by writing about our eye or physical contact with every exaggerative detail I can find. Hence, making my english automatically better. Hence, my better writing. Hence, what you're reading now.

I know, it seems hypocrite of me to talk about it now, keeping in mind that I just said talking -or writing- about him is really useless then that it is now. But in this case -or post-, I'm talking about my predicament of being in that situation of obsessing him. Which, if you compare the two situations (me obsessing about HIM and me obsessing about the PREDICAMENT when I used to obsess about him) properly, you can see a huge contrast.

But really, I'm just complaining about my huge, stupid, a shouldn't-have-been repugnance. Yes, that bad that I had to use repugnance, because it does disgust me. 

To say that I was young to understand or interpret what I felt then wasn't really true, as I did experience it just over a few months back. To say it was his charm that affected me so badly, is also another lie, again. Well, because when you just look at him again, he isn't so charming after all. 

I guess these stupid feelings are meant to blind you from your true intentions and use you in the world. And when they suck all the life out of you, you are left not whole and you are expect to regain all of your strength that you have build up over the past years of your life just so that the feelings can shudder and bring you back down again. 

Yet again though, what was weird is that, I have never felt quite as happy about a boy during that repugnance time of mine. 

It is weird, but again, it is my predicament. And what predicament of mine isn't weird.

♥ SC

I really hope you would read this. I don't know, just to let you know or something. I really didn't intend on it being this way. I really wished that we could be friends. But oh well, it's fate. And I guess this was just how it was meant to be.